rarr i hate the template! ]:

anyhow, just wanted to say that since singapore open, i've been avoiding safra as much as i can, always coming up with excuses why i can't train and etc. idk its just that i'm not attracted to that place anymore. heh or maybe i've just lost interest in shooting overall. i'm sorry to all those i've been avoiding too, but its hard to talk to you without remembering all the nasty stuff there.

i'm just a kid. i'm only fifteen. i really don't need to see how adults operate and fear to grow up even more as it is.

but anyhow, if it wasn't for the school, i'd have quit long long ago. i'm gonna start religiously training today and restart my entire training scheme like how i did in june.

much love to that horrid old man who always bullies me but yet would do almost anything to help me. (: and also to the team next year, whoever you guys are, TRAIN HARD. :D

091205,

looking back, i truly wonder how i went through the past few days. i barely remember anything and the bits that i do remember are of the people who have all broke down right in front of me. all cried because of different reasons. but with each breaking down, it was a step closer to breaking down myself. watching them cry and not knowing how to comfort them; knowing that i would well be in their shoes; the reasons they cry apply largely to myself. i had the sudden realization that i'm really stressed up and wound up but i put up a front of happiness and walk around smiling and laughing when in actual fact, all i want is to curl up and cry to my heart's content.

my life basically revolves around studies, training, and relationships.

for studies, i hate it each time i say something is easy and i get branded "GEPPER" or "SMART". granted, it takes an amount of intelligence, but i really do put in a lot of hard work and effort with regards to my studies. i'm really scared for my results now. no matter how hard i try, how hard i work, all my results are dropping drastically. and for ss, i'm really scared that i'd fail.

i really dread going to jc. all of them look so stressed and while in sec school, we worry over how high our scores are. there, it seems like they worry over whether they will even get to pass the subject and pass meaning an E. but then sec school life is already so tough, i wonder how i would be able to carry on in jc.

i actually do enjoy doing work, especially when i understand everything and can finish everything up. work also does numb me and i can temporarily stop feeling when i do work. but when i'm pressurized to do work, finish them, produce results aka taking out the fun in work, it really stresses me up alot.

for shooting, i really don't know what to comment about it. everything's just majorly screwed. i just so desperately want to go for seasa that i'd do almost everything. last year watching them all leave for seasa, coming back and laughing about it nearly killed me. three years into shooting and i have still yet to have gone for an overseas shoot. it hurts me everything someone asks if i've gone for a competition and i say no, and then you see the rest gathered laughing about what happened overseas. but then, i guess its good that i'm not going for seasa this year. i'm too tired to bother about training anymore. twice a week suffices for me. and the thought of going to the range, seeing more problems pop up repells me anyway.

i'm so terribly lousy at shooting now anyhow. my scores can keep up, but i've lost my stamina. last time two hours of continuous shooting and i'm fine. now, one hour and i'm dead tired with muscle aches all over. i want to build up my stamina but i've no idea how considering that i'm so tired that i can barely move after an hour. and besides, i end up having no mood to shoot halfway and nothing makes me want to carry on.

i know that certain people will read this and will want to talk to me about what i've just said. but i would very much prefer that you don't comment on what i've just said and pretend it doesn't exist. i don't want to breakdown. it's already hard enough to hold back the tears.

270805,

my first ever finals was screwwed. hoho. three eights. same place somemore. have never faced the machine my whole life. didn't know how to find alignment, didn't know how to look at relationship cos the black hole was hugeee. but there's no excuses. i need to work on my skills. and the worst thing was that i wasn't even nervous.

070805,

scores mean nothing to me. i can no longer grasp the concept of scores. 396, 375, 389, 393, 350. none of them mean anything to me. even if i hit 400, so what? its stil not good enough. yes i'm not happy with my score, though it really means nothing to me. i panicked halfway during the shoot. what more can i say?

250705,

i need to start on work, but somehow i just can't settle my brain down. and to concentrate.

sometimes i guess i wished i had never joined air rifle and immersed myself so heavily with training. bit by bit, day by day, i start to lose myself. my life just revolves around training, planning time around training. it's this big time that i must go for instinctively.

i'm slowly removing myself from spending so much time on shooting and i'm turning into an emotionless thing with regards to air rifle. i guess getting myself too emotionally involved is detrimental to me. i don't wanna cry each time i screw up. i don't wanna be unhappy cos so much is happening.

with regards to nationals, i don't really want to say much. to me, that day was simply a mock competition for me to train. to ele, what makes you so sure that if i shot, i wouldn't have screwwed up? cheer up, 'kay?

i once told someone that i've a bad feeling about something. it's coming true, much as i try all my best to prevent it.

230705,

at different points in life, you would meet with boulders so invisible that they'd be hard to avoid because you can't see their presence. after repeated falls, you get really fed up with that main path and a junction appears before you. the new path is one that is clear and smooth, and keeps you happy all day long. but the new path is not permanent, it can suddenly disappear without warning and by then, it's too late to regret and there's no chance of turning back. you're stuck. staying in the original path would bring about more falls, but one thing is for sure, it's permanent and once you overcome the boulders, you'll be happy and carefree once again.

today is a happy happy happy day. (: despite my pseudo-hangover. and my quarrell at one in the morning. ladada.

180705,

NOTE: FORGIVE THE RANDOMNESS OF MY THOUGHTS. (:

1.
you know the times when you badly feel like crying, but you hold in the tears and force yourself to keep your eyes drier than sahara. i admire people who can do that. therefore, i admire myself.
-smirks

2.
i haven't cried since safra invitational, there's such a long time ago you know. i almost broke down the day before prelims, but unlike popular belief, it wasn't because of the school team selection. it was because of something else.

3.
i needn't say it out, but he could see the tears glistening in my eyes. he could read my thoughts just by looking at me. and i respect him for that. for having been there for me all these while.

4.
even if i improve by leaps and bounds before nationals, i don't wanna shoot. no point really. my three seniors can shoot well enough to ensure we are at least top two, just having yet another routine fight with ai. besides, i haven't been training so hard to get into the school team. i've been training for myself.

5.
if you envy me, don't. my life's more screwwed up than you can imagine. (:

6.
iwantsushi.

030705,

stop wondering if i'm disappointed. if i say i'm not even a little disappointed, it'd be a lie. i've worked so hard and i'm going to just be on the same level as those who put in maybe one quarter of my effort. it's like wtf. but whatever, i really don't care anymore. i can only last that long. i'm really too tired of fighting on. if i cried and demanded that we compete again, what use would there be? we'll just be stuck in that same cycle over and over again. two years later, it's gonna be the same thing.

everything's all weird. weird and confusing. i haven't seen the light since sunday. i wanna see the light. the light (:

300605,

everyone's wondering how long i can stay up there and watching to see me fall and to see a good show. i myself included. there's only one person who really has faith that i can surpass my competition best, and that person's not me. i was so nervous that i almost cried thinking about. track records are hard to be proven wrong. everytime i hit above 380 last year i'd drop immediately the next shoot. i screwwed up though, i did. i could have gotten a third or perhaps even second if it wasn't for that eight. and that nine. don't ever leave regrets, i left not one but two big regrets. but i didn't cry, no no yitian, you're forbidden to do that.

050605,

to say that i wasn't nervous was a lie. my pulse just wasn't as rapid as before. but the air felt so thick that i could fire a shot and see a hole right in the middle of nowhere. it was really hard to breathe.

i shouldn't be feeling like crying, but i've not felt so strong an urge to cry before. it's been one year and two weeks of numbness, tears and frustration. i finally did it. but it ain't good at all. i was really in a heap of mess today. to say i succeeded would be a downright lie. i've never done so badly mentally before. what seemed like nines were tens. and tens were nines. i dryfired when i didn't need to and didn't when i needed to.

one more year,

290505,

i'll love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply, do
hey love, i know who you are. i can easily pick you out from that crowd, go up to you and smile. you're the one who can make me laugh and yet cry at the same time, the one who brought me lotsa wonderful friends. i know who you are, the one who i arrange my life around. the one who i will miss if i don't see in a week. i've a year and a month starting from now to conquer you and to make you mine again. i will do it. (:

110505,

you're such a liar!
no reason huh? LIAR! i was just the replacement, never meant to have a place. you TWO threw me off the moment she was back in your life. liar liar liar.

i'll never trust that much ever again,

010505,

i'm really tired both mentally and physically. i've been sleeping through all the lessons, skipping recess or lunch just to sleep and sleep i do. moment i reach home, i'm too tired to do anything but sleep. i haven't watched a proper tv show in ages, and haven't gone online to just slack and not be researching most of the time. i'm falling sick too, much more frequently than i've ever been previously. the stress is getting to me, the lack of sleep is getting to me, and the walking in the rain/not taking care of myself is turning my body system upside down. i'm tired and exhausted from training and training and training only to see myself shooting rubbish. wasn't getting a new gun supposed to be good? it's a p700 for godness sake. i take months to get use to a gun. just as i was getting used to the steyr, they took it away. just as i was getting used to the 603, this p700 came. and currently, i'm having lots of problems with the gun. shoulder piece, cheekpiece, front sight, stopping the gun from excessively tilting... but at the end of it all, i've to question my shooting ability. am i really as good as to be able to shoot competitively? or am i just there to make up numbers, to liven up the place?

in me, there's a small bit of regret, for following my heart. i'm currently stuck, with noone concentrating on me alone. sure, coach does coach me, but she doesn't have the time to look at me for a good 15mins or so. she's too busy jetting off all over the world. to places, i'll go, but never as a member of the singapore shooting team.

i was right about the prone bit you know. about how when i suddenly shot a 580, would i drop. i dropped drastically, more than any one would ever believe. and it's getting harder and harder for me to climb up again. the path for me seems to be filled with magical obstacles, one moment they appear, the next they disappear. as i'm about to take a step forward, they stand right before me, glaring as ever, smirking at me.

160405,

i really really don't understand. why is it that no matter how much work i put in, no matter how hard i try, i still can't do it. while others spend less time, and yet do better than me. i really really worked so hard on it, did so much until it hurt to even have the wind blow on those areas, and had bruises all over my arm. but everything comes to naught. i still can't reach there. heck, i wasn't even aiming for anything. i just wanted to do it. but it seems like all they're gonna do is to kick me out step by step.

hey you know what you guys said about me not being sucky? YOU'RE WRONG. absolutely wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong!

050405,

Two camps; the 'heads' both fighting with each other. Everyone's being forced to take sides. Even me. I don't wanna take sides. I'm really really happy being stuck in the middle of these two camps, being friends with everyone. But nooo. They're obviously making me choosing sides.

It's definitely tempting to join camp b. The offers are too good to be true. Butbut there will always be a catch. Plus my loyalty at the end of it all, still lies within camp a. It's not being a "traitor" or anything joining both camps. It's my feelings with regards towards camp a. 2 years. It's definitely been a long time.

Don't wanna say much cos lots of people who do understand read my blog. I can't say which camp i'd be joining. All i can say is, i'm stuck. Even though i know pretty much which camp i'd be with already. Butbut lastminutedecisions they still count.

Just wanna question this, if our friends are in the camp which is not yours, how would you guys treat each other? There would definitely be the amnomisty [sp?] between the two camps, will you no longer be friends? Perhaps as friends you might stay, butbut there will be changes in your friendship; it'd be natural to not trust the other party. What would happen then?

040105,

Prone monthly shoot today. Shot 580. Wow. It's a good 48 points jump from the previous monthly shoot. Part of me is delighted, excited, jubilant and exhilarated; the other part of me is worrying if this sudden jump would mean another screwwingup the next time i shoot.

580 was pretty much tyco for me cos i was pretty sure that almost all of my series were like 95 cos almost every card i drew back had a 10 and a 9. That would be a 570. There were some cards which had 2 10s. Butbut there were quite a lot of 8s too. When Doctor told me that i shot 580, i just stood there, questioning in bewilderment if he got the wrong person. Did they mix up my score with someone else's?

Am still reverbrating from the hug coach gave me. It's the third time she has hugged me. Everytime was after i shoot really really well and there's always a word of encouragement from her. I guess we all own coach a word of thanks. She has done so much for us despite all the efforts to push her down like from youknowwho. It does seem weird to put it across though. I feel so terrible.

Ohwelll. I guess i should be happy about it. It is after all a pretty good score. And hey, it is the first good thing which has happened to me so far this year. This almost pretty much determines that i get to continue shooting smallbore.

another cut on the heart; another memory: 020105,

2004's coming to a close. In about 3.5hours, 2005'd be here. It's like wow. The year passed so quickly. I'm growing older. am going down the same cliched road and reflect on this year.

2004 has been a really, really meaningful year. I've learnt many lessons, especially during the second half of the year. I guess if you were to compare me at the start of the year and me now, you'll find a huge contrast.

In shooting, I've tasted success, in a way, during nus shoot. I admit i got a little complacent after that. I slacked off quite a bit and wasn't as competitive as i was simply because i took it for granted that i was at the top for c div at that moment anyway.

I've tasted failure during nationals. The aftermath of that was huge. It affected me in more ways than anyone realised. I've became very cautious in handling things, afraid of failing again. I haven't been the happygolucky person that i was. Everything bad hits me hundred times harder than they used to have done. I'm bothered by little things which never used to bother me. Perhaps as chester puts it, i've lost my selfconfidence. This lesson is one that will be carved deeply into my brain and my heart; never to be forgotten. How could i ever forget the prolly most eventful thing which has happened to me so far?

This holiday, i literally holed myself up at safra. Spent practically everyday there, safe for monday. I guess lots of people would think that i've no life and stuff and snigger at me. But hey, i've found one of the best bunch of people you can ever find there and it was basically having fun the whole time. All the times we trained, did teambuilding, laughed, played, ate and messed around, they're one of the brightest sparks of this year. =) to all the shooters [youknowwhoyouare], you guys rock! Haha.

Hangzhou trip is another bright spark of this year. It was basically one whole week of fun fun and more fun. I remember during the exams period, told someone to remind me everyday about going china to train to get me all keyedup to study. Haha. Thanks for that. -patshead- got really close with those who went hangzhou. I still remember how i hugged everyone around before i left and got all tearyeyed and started missing them the moment the buick left the range.

For smallbore, i really gonna concentrate lots on it and spend less time on airrifle. Perhaps i'll spend 40-60 on each respectively. Perhaps only. Cos i still wanna beat myself and shoot a higher pb for airrifle.

For studies, i just barely managed to keep up the grade for the endofyears. I remember how positive i was that i'd screw it up. I really wasn't in the mood to concentrate on studying. I've learnt to handle time management much better this year. I've been pushing myself to finish as much homework as possible in school and finish the rest as quickly as possible. I don't procrastinate as much as i did last year. All thanks to airrifle and the intensive training we had during nationals period. Training everyday, while having homework and tests piling up was no joke.

I won't forget the meaningful period of maybe 3, 4months i had sometime this year. Hey, will you forget it? Thanks for everything that you've done. I have came to learn and realise lots because of these few months. In particular, i've learnt how at the end of it all, you can only rely on yourself for help and no one else; i've learnt that things really ain't the way i perceive it to be and there are two sides to a story or a person. There are still lots of confusion within me about certain things, butbut i don'twanna ask at all, yes, it's the old "i'm getting really tired" thing which you hate hearing about.

For 2005, i don't really wanna much resolutions, hopes or wishes. I just wanna go on living life as it is now. I'm feeling at peace with things and i'm taking babysteps to dare to do things and gamble with chance. I don't hope for much, i already pretty know what's gonna happen for 2005. The fortuneteller at qiandaohu already said that my luck for 2005 would be terrible. I don't doubt what he said since he said my luck for 2004 was terrible too. Whatever it is, i'm gonna try to be prepared for it.

Happy new year to everyone.

311204,

Host